Human

"We have nothing if we don't hope."
That's what hold me strong to conquer difficulties here in these few months regarding my emotional mindset always playing tricks in my mind as I face different people and had to adapt to this rapid changing environment.

Subang is a nice place. Life is hectic but i managed to squeeze some idle time to enjoy my 18-year-old life.Meeting new friends is always one the best thing to do in life. I promised myself to explore the world outside Penang and try to be a better person here.
I do travel back and forth frequently and people I used to know will comment a lot about my changes.
I still have that real me deep inside despite all those allegation, the only difference is that I barely feel my childishness anymore.

Frankly speaking, that's what I fear the most.
Growing up may bring us to another level in life but sometimes it's dreadful enough to tear us apart from that once person we used to be.
I had a great controversy over myself every night before I went to sleep.
I'll think about things I had done throughout the day and ends up regretting or feeling ashame of my actions. I'll always hope that I can do better or say something different if I had the second chance.
I'll stare at myself in the mirror, smiling to the other me confidently at first and started to hate that other me in the next second.

I accidentally came across an article in the Internet last week and i realize that these sign may be another way of being rebellious.

Yes I do.
I resisted to be controlled.
To be controlled by feelings. I wishes that I barely have emotions.
Then I can at least focus on scoring high marks in exams or being a well known top students in school,buying an ice cream for myself  as a reward for my spirit of excellence without feeling tired or having any hesitation    

Yeah.
It feel like a robot.
But doesn't we hope to be emotionless at some point of our lives ?
Even a poultry knows its destiny but humans are like divers in the big sea without a direction.
What keeps us alive is to keep swimming to find a destination which may never be found.
I think that destination has been called by many other names like success and happiness.

It's true thou.

Somehow late night became lifeless here.
And the library surprisingly became the place all I ever wanted to be in. It's like the second home although I know this freeze is definitely not how home feels.
I started to flip through notes and completing questions in this big freezer.
All i ever wanted is to pass my exam. Being the top or the best or not doesn't matter anyway.
No one ever defines "perfect" or "best" accurately because it never actually exist.


But we're human,isn't it?
We do always hope to perfect what can be perfected
This nature of trying our hardest to achieve something which is nearly impossible is what makes us different from other species.

Yes. We have nothing if we don't hope.
And we'll fight to get what we wanted.
Because, if we don't fight for something,we fall for everything