懒洋洋的幸福

黄昏。

晚餐后的散步显得格外轻松自在。
我和同桌绕着操场的外围边闲聊边任由风舒服地挠。
偶然聊起了这几个月的点点滴滴，于是老毛病又犯地去猜测很多年以后的自己此刻在干嘛。

不知不觉地已经踏足他乡将近4个月。
那朦胧般随都市生活节奏快步前进的麻木渐渐有了点头绪。
想当初，我们这班孩子谁不是看在奖学金的份上来了？
然而欣慰的是在替家庭经济周转而出一份力的当儿，也没把自己委屈到报读了烂透的科系。
至少至少，那些或许曾冒在脑海里的梦想，在这片肥沃的土地上仍能自由地发芽。

聊起那每两周一次，嘴上说没太大影响却又不能不在意的小考，心情顿时有点沉重。
他说羡慕我早已把该读的都读完，我笑笑 感慨没人知道那读进去的学问比排便时流出体外还来得快。总有好多个夜晚我读着读着就忘了自己到底是在读些什么屁。

他承认自己是比较懒。
我有种貌似也被说中了心声那样，有一点点愧疚。

懒洋洋地翻一番书本，滑一滑手机，说一说闲事的日子，谁不梦寐以求？
可生活却也好像学习，如逆水行舟，不进则退。

忆起中学时期的那段生活，我俩自豪地说个不停。边说边回想，笑得不拢嘴。
却也才发现，这些清晰的画面，是多久以前的那般那遥不可及。
摇啊摇就过日子的岁月，竟无声无息就结束了。

这里不是不好，只是害怕多年以后，踏出毕业的礼堂时的自己，是否称得上这里的一切美好

我俩都不想白白地过了大学的这几年。
我想这也是许多人的心声，更是许多人的遗憾。

懒洋洋也罢。
起码在天色全安后，大伙儿拖着轻松自在的身子，又能坐在桌边发奋，期待接下来的一切可能性，创造那懒洋洋却轰荡荡的态度。



 

Human

"We have nothing if we don't hope."
That's what hold me strong to conquer difficulties here in these few months regarding my emotional mindset always playing tricks in my mind as I face different people and had to adapt to this rapid changing environment.

Subang is a nice place. Life is hectic but i managed to squeeze some idle time to enjoy my 18-year-old life.Meeting new friends is always one the best thing to do in life. I promised myself to explore the world outside Penang and try to be a better person here.
I do travel back and forth frequently and people I used to know will comment a lot about my changes.
I still have that real me deep inside despite all those allegation, the only difference is that I barely feel my childishness anymore.

Frankly speaking, that's what I fear the most.
Growing up may bring us to another level in life but sometimes it's dreadful enough to tear us apart from that once person we used to be.
I had a great controversy over myself every night before I went to sleep.
I'll think about things I had done throughout the day and ends up regretting or feeling ashame of my actions. I'll always hope that I can do better or say something different if I had the second chance.
I'll stare at myself in the mirror, smiling to the other me confidently at first and started to hate that other me in the next second.

I accidentally came across an article in the Internet last week and i realize that these sign may be another way of being rebellious.

Yes I do.
I resisted to be controlled.
To be controlled by feelings. I wishes that I barely have emotions.
Then I can at least focus on scoring high marks in exams or being a well known top students in school,buying an ice cream for myself  as a reward for my spirit of excellence without feeling tired or having any hesitation    

Yeah.
It feel like a robot.
But doesn't we hope to be emotionless at some point of our lives ?
Even a poultry knows its destiny but humans are like divers in the big sea without a direction.
What keeps us alive is to keep swimming to find a destination which may never be found.
I think that destination has been called by many other names like success and happiness.

It's true thou.

Somehow late night became lifeless here.
And the library surprisingly became the place all I ever wanted to be in. It's like the second home although I know this freeze is definitely not how home feels.
I started to flip through notes and completing questions in this big freezer.
All i ever wanted is to pass my exam. Being the top or the best or not doesn't matter anyway.
No one ever defines "perfect" or "best" accurately because it never actually exist.


But we're human,isn't it?
We do always hope to perfect what can be perfected
This nature of trying our hardest to achieve something which is nearly impossible is what makes us different from other species.

Yes. We have nothing if we don't hope.
And we'll fight to get what we wanted.
Because, if we don't fight for something,we fall for everything